over the past few weeks, matt and i have made a serious effort to reconnect, re-bond…to work on things. we were doing so well. i was indescribably happy to have him around….at least to be able to talk to him on the phone.

he told me he wanted me back. that he felt wrong and selfish to ask it because of everything. i told him i didn’t care. he told me i never told him i loved him enough. so after a wonderful few dates over the weekend and hours upon hours of wonderful conversations, i told him i loved him with all may heart- that i didn’t want him to leave me again. that i would fight tooth and nail to have him with me always.

and he freaked out and told me he wanted to be alone.

we’ve since talked and smoothed things over. i said what i had to. i admitted that i wished him well and that i couldn’t stay mad at him. he apologized for being a mess and not knowing what he wants and for not being able to handle emotions right now because his life is “falling apart in front of his eyes”.

i won’t lie: if he said boo, i’d still come running. but i can honestly say that i feel absolutely crushed by all of it. i feel like a mess. i don’t feel like myself. i don’t think i’ve ever been this hurt and sad all at once ever. and it seems the more i try to distract myself and get my mind off of it, the more i can’t concentrate on anything. i tried making new friends and it just makes me feel more sad and hollow. every time i start to to homework or read i fall asleep or get mind bending headaches. or at least the headaches get worse. because they haven’t really stopped in a week.

i don’t really care anymore about any of it. i have about 2 more weeks of class. i’ve been trying to do homework all week and can’t. a big part of me doesn’t even care if i fuck up. i’m losing even my motivation, cause it seems everything i touch and rely on goes to shit. i got a heater yesterday to try to get rid of the headaches, and now the electric doesn’t even work in half my room. and the heater has stopped working. i flicked every circuit in the house, but nothing works in my room.

oh and my boss is still conveniently forgetting to pay me on time. it’s been going on like this for 2 months now. when he was behind in paying me for an entire month i didn’t go to work. and he fucking flipped on me and only payed half what he owes me. apparently it’s my job to harass him to pay me my wages. so now i have to find another job on top of it all. having no motivation and a car that falls apart around me.

i need a vacation. and a long night of cuddling. and a fucking drink.

Faire da la bonne cuisine demande un certain temps. Si on vous fait attendre, c’est pour mieux vous servir, et vous plaire.

i ate something so sour this afternoon that my teeth still hurt. i think it was pickled cauliflower. bossman took me out for lunch and let me take off early cause it’s almost christmas. quite nice of him…..what was nicer was the promise of all the work coming for me after the new year. 🙂

i had a hard time dealing at lunch, but i’ve had a hard time with everything in general. seems i’ve made myself so super busy that i’m still having a bit of a time stepping back and relaxing. but 2 jobs, school, divorce, new boyfriend and pepper with somewhat frequent short travel and one can see why i automatically tend to rush through everything and keep to myself. i’m making it a point to try and step back, take my time and open up more but it’s never an overnight success like i would like it to be. “Good cooking takes time. If your are made to wait, it is to serve you better, and to please you.”

i think another reason i’m nervy about opening up is that i keep tripping on my past in an unexpected way. it’s as if i took off the rose colored glasses and pulled out the spotlight and the magnifying glass. i’m starting to see the past and the people for what and who they really were then and what they are now.

i’m having a hard time understanding why and how they all made me feel so little and insignificant.

it’s almost the equivalent of the fantasy that everyone has of ‘what it would be like to go back to high school now’ or i guess what people go through when they go to those silly reunions. except everyone doesn’t have the half made-up story and the rented suit on in the overpriced hotel. i’m seeing how they really are, 5-10 years later. i’m not saying they are all bad, but they didn’t treat me well and i let it happen. i used to have a big mouth but i’m starting to see that i never stuck up for myself as much as i thought i had.

it all just makes me appreciate things the way they are just a little bit more.

so catching up.

i stayed sick for a while after hospital. people that were in similar situations suggested that they fucked up my spinal taps which threw me off for a while. but i am well now, the only take away i got was to make sure i don’t get dangerously dehydrated again and to keep warm in the cold- apparently i have super low blood pressure which can cause me to faint or seize if i’m too cold and my system’s a little off.

mr. sexy boyfriend guy brought me up to cape cod to his family summer home for my b-day and thanksgiving. we took the train all the way up. (i never thought a cute boy would make me get over my fear of trains so easily!)

we relaxed in the hot tub, we slept, we did homework, we drank like fishes. his mum brought us out to this super popular little frenchie restaurant for my birthday. we all had lovely food and enjoyed the scene and the company. most definitely the best birthday ever! thanksgiving was just four of us and the sweetie pie dogs with warm sun on the patio, a view, and fresh apple wine. it was heaven.

since being back, i’ve been pretty damn relaxed about everything. life’s been good and i’ve been able to stop and smell the roses. matt and i have become a whole lot closer and grow more fond of each other every day. i finally got greg to sign the receipt stating i served him the papers without him having a mass freak out. my bff and i have been making efforts to at least chat once a week to keep up.

the only thing that’s been in my way and stressing me out has been work. the work load, the lack of help, the non existent breaks, the overly long shifts, my staff being much less than pleasant EVERYDAY. I’ve been so tired and run down lately i’ve been scared of getting sick again. i said i would try to make it through the new year at least before i left. but after miscommunication 5 ba-jillion the other day and the attitude of it’s my fault because i should be able to fucking read minds, i said enough is enough. time to focus on school, my health, and living. i promised myself i would.

i have a ton of ideas floating around for another part time job….i think 2 part time jobs is easier worked around school than a full and part time. hopefully something pans out. wish me luck.

since the start of summer, I’ve had more and more going on every day than I have ever had going on at one point in time ever. new pen pal, new boyfriend, partying/chilling on the shore and in the city, stolen lap top, persistent car problems, riding on trains (omg), the mess of divorce, transfers, the cops, extra job, money issues, school, bad luck, bills….I could go on and on.

in the mass of getting as much done as possible all the time, i realize i’ve forgotten to carve out time for myself. whether it’s time to read a book, seek out or listen to new music, paint. whatever. i have a book on the table that i’ve had for over 2 months now and barely touched. i’ve been meaning to pick up acrillyc ink all summer so i can paint.the more i think of it, i hope i get the high pay very part time job i applied for. i just do not have enough hours in the day. i’ve spent next to no time just having fun….summer started that way, but since my laptop got stolen i think i’ve let life get to heavy. yea. it sucks. i had to spend a whole buncha extra money to replace that computer, and this one runs like crap compared to the other. BUT i wasn’t robbed worse and i didn’t get hurt. it seems since it happened i’ve had a string of bad luck in general, and sometimes it feels like the world wants to crash in on me.

but i’ve let it put me in a bad funk.

the very same funk that i ran from screaming. i said- this is not what i want for me or my life, and you put me here. i’ve let him get in my head a few times too. i’ve let too many people get in my head. and instead of responding to everything from my anchored center and then returning to that center, i’ve allowed matt to become my anchor.

YES it’s fantastic to be able to rely on someone and have a “rock” to stand with. but it seems i’ve let matt become my filter. i let things build up and get to me until i can filter through him and vent and get his feedback and feel better about it. that’s alot to put on his shoulders and it’s starting to get to him. i don’t think he’d ever say it…but i think that’s what’s happening. we had a silly mix up last night, and both of us ended up ticked/upset about it. HOW SILLY. i don’t wanna bicker over stupid stuff. we have alot of living to do and things to see to ever let little things get in the way. i think last night happened because i’ve been putting too much on him, and his response was ‘fuck it.’

i think we spend alot of time catering to one or two of the other’s needs instead of just being there all over. i think matt wanted a bigger presence in my life and thought one avenue was what he wanted. i gave it, but i think it was too much on one spot. people don’t always know what they want. he used be so put off sometimes because i’m so very independent… but with school and all of life going on, i’ve needed alot more from him. i’ve actually needed him there. i think he loves to help and genuinely wants to, but no one wants to HAVE to help. even i don’t.

i’m taking today off from job 2 to have me time and to work on my research paper. i haven’t had alot of me time except the days i took off for being disgustingly ill or last week when i sprained my neck. i need to make sure to take more me time and have fun…for the benefit of everyone around me, i need to make sure i’m taking more me time.

SO. for those of you that don’t know- i am FINALLY going back to school. i’m going for my bachelor’s in software architecture and networking technology- double major, oh my!

today i spent alot of time on the campus website soaking in as much info as possible about the school before orientation and class starts next week. i started digging into the tutorials section, which is mostly “this is how you use the site.” “this is how you email.” when i found a section on tips for writing. in one section they suggest ‘creating an addiction to writing’ and writing daily to overcome potential hurdles when there is a need to write an extensive paper. and i realized…this summer, i really have gotten out of the habit of writing… i haven’t blogged much and even twitter and facebook posting (or micro blogging as i like to call it) have very much fallen by the wayside. hell, i have been attempting my pen pal letter since june and it just hasn’t happened, even though the last two letters went quickly and smoothly. (by the way- if you’re reading this my friend- i have not forgotten, but life’s been pretty damn crazy….it’s in progress and will be on it’s way soon!)

i realize that a big part of my life is breaking things down and organizing them. it is sad but true. and part of the reason i should be writing every day is that i need to break my thoughts down and organize them, and mark momentous occasions with a blog or tweet again. there have been so many crazy, wonderful, and terrible things that have happened this summer which kind of overwhelmed me to the point where i forgot to take that little bit of time to myself everyday for my mental health… but i wouldn’t take back a single moment!

now i leave this entry with promise of many more (and maybe a short retelling here and there of my summer adventuring and mayhem) as it is just about time for me to pass out- matt and i are getting up early to catch one last ‘summer’ day at the beach.