:(

over the past few weeks, matt and i have made a serious effort to reconnect, re-bond…to work on things. we were doing so well. i was indescribably happy to have him around….at least to be able to talk to him on the phone.

he told me he wanted me back. that he felt wrong and selfish to ask it because of everything. i told him i didn’t care. he told me i never told him i loved him enough. so after a wonderful few dates over the weekend and hours upon hours of wonderful conversations, i told him i loved him with all may heart- that i didn’t want him to leave me again. that i would fight tooth and nail to have him with me always.

and he freaked out and told me he wanted to be alone.

we’ve since talked and smoothed things over. i said what i had to. i admitted that i wished him well and that i couldn’t stay mad at him. he apologized for being a mess and not knowing what he wants and for not being able to handle emotions right now because his life is “falling apart in front of his eyes”.

i won’t lie: if he said boo, i’d still come running. but i can honestly say that i feel absolutely crushed by all of it. i feel like a mess. i don’t feel like myself. i don’t think i’ve ever been this hurt and sad all at once ever. and it seems the more i try to distract myself and get my mind off of it, the more i can’t concentrate on anything. i tried making new friends and it just makes me feel more sad and hollow. every time i start to to homework or read i fall asleep or get mind bending headaches. or at least the headaches get worse. because they haven’t really stopped in a week.

i don’t really care anymore about any of it. i have about 2 more weeks of class. i’ve been trying to do homework all week and can’t. a big part of me doesn’t even care if i fuck up. i’m losing even my motivation, cause it seems everything i touch and rely on goes to shit. i got a heater yesterday to try to get rid of the headaches, and now the electric doesn’t even work in half my room. and the heater has stopped working. i flicked every circuit in the house, but nothing works in my room.

oh and my boss is still conveniently forgetting to pay me on time. it’s been going on like this for 2 months now. when he was behind in paying me for an entire month i didn’t go to work. and he fucking flipped on me and only payed half what he owes me. apparently it’s my job to harass him to pay me my wages. so now i have to find another job on top of it all. having no motivation and a car that falls apart around me.

i need a vacation. and a long night of cuddling. and a fucking drink.

It’s funny when you pour you mind and your heart out, merely rambling. Yet, somehow in this out pour you end up being more insightful than you realize. Hindsight is always 20/30. I ended one of my recent journals with the statement of “I hope he will be there to stand beside me.”

Regardless of my small doubts (everyone has them, and is entitled to them) I always had the heart and the guts to stand beside him. But it was not the same for him. His leaving and moving out crushed me like a spring caterpillar. My neon colored entrails are still being cleaned out of the carpet.

It was the end of my world to let him go. I finally gave in. Every last thing I held back from him….I finally let it all go- I gave it to him on a silver platter. And he shunned it, turned away. I crumpled.

But some how. Some way. Today is ok.

I would give anything to have him here beside me right now. To hold him, touch him. That silly warm smile.

But right now. I am so glad to be here alone.

i finally realized why i rarely ever take pictures of people. and even rarer-with people. i am always afraid that person is going to go away.

mementos of good things passed are like porcupine needles. they sting and they are hard to get rid of.

i’ve noticed that the things that mean most to me are the hardest to find evidence of in my life. i hide them from the world. i covet them privately.i know now that part of this is part of how i grew up. alot of this may be self imposed. i don’t profess to know. i hid things i loved so no one could take them away. the older i’ve gotten, i’ve done the same with people. so many friends i’ve had over the years have kinda just up and disappeared on me without explanation. it hurt. reminders of them made it hurt more.

this is what i need to work on. i need to wear my heart on my sleeve more. i should be proud of the things and people i love. what is the point of hiding my heart, my mind? it diminishes the existence of these things in my life and it diminishes me.

i need to be me and be proud. i need to love who and what i love and be proud of it. matt was right in the beginning to urge me to link him on facebook. such a silly thing really, but it says ‘hey. we’re serious and not afraid to say it to everyone.’

i got a lot of stuff to work on. i gotta build a plan on this and live it. and if he leaves, he leaves. i won’t let my world end on it. i can’t. not now.

but i need to stop being so afraid of loving him and being afraid of admitting it. for him, for me, for us. he can’t make me confident in this; he can’t make me be open. only i can.

and i hope he’ll stand beside me when i do.

AVIS AU PUBLIC

Faire da la bonne cuisine demande un certain temps. Si on vous fait attendre, c’est pour mieux vous servir, et vous plaire.

i ate something so sour this afternoon that my teeth still hurt. i think it was pickled cauliflower. bossman took me out for lunch and let me take off early cause it’s almost christmas. quite nice of him…..what was nicer was the promise of all the work coming for me after the new year. 🙂

i had a hard time dealing at lunch, but i’ve had a hard time with everything in general. seems i’ve made myself so super busy that i’m still having a bit of a time stepping back and relaxing. but 2 jobs, school, divorce, new boyfriend and pepper with somewhat frequent short travel and one can see why i automatically tend to rush through everything and keep to myself. i’m making it a point to try and step back, take my time and open up more but it’s never an overnight success like i would like it to be. “Good cooking takes time. If your are made to wait, it is to serve you better, and to please you.”

i think another reason i’m nervy about opening up is that i keep tripping on my past in an unexpected way. it’s as if i took off the rose colored glasses and pulled out the spotlight and the magnifying glass. i’m starting to see the past and the people for what and who they really were then and what they are now.

i’m having a hard time understanding why and how they all made me feel so little and insignificant.

it’s almost the equivalent of the fantasy that everyone has of ‘what it would be like to go back to high school now’ or i guess what people go through when they go to those silly reunions. except everyone doesn’t have the half made-up story and the rented suit on in the overpriced hotel. i’m seeing how they really are, 5-10 years later. i’m not saying they are all bad, but they didn’t treat me well and i let it happen. i used to have a big mouth but i’m starting to see that i never stuck up for myself as much as i thought i had.

it all just makes me appreciate things the way they are just a little bit more.

sometimes writing is an impossible to climb crag which one must attempt in dark and fog and rain. sometimes it is an old friend one takes by the hand to lead into the warm sunset.

this week i feel like i’ve found it hiding in the bushes, pounded it over the head, grabbed it by the hair and dragged it down a rocky hill kicking and screaming.

it’s ok. i think we’ll sit down for tea and cookies later.

in other remarks: i’m still debating this venture of bartending school. the class starts monday and is MUCH cheaper than i had expected. BUT i am without job right now, and the money would cover rent for a month. i could charge tuition to a card and worry about it later. if i got a bartending job, i could potentially pay off the tuition quickly.

lots of ifs. ALAS, i forever debate every little thing about every little decision before doing anything. i think it amy be time for another leap of faith….

so catching up.

i stayed sick for a while after hospital. people that were in similar situations suggested that they fucked up my spinal taps which threw me off for a while. but i am well now, the only take away i got was to make sure i don’t get dangerously dehydrated again and to keep warm in the cold- apparently i have super low blood pressure which can cause me to faint or seize if i’m too cold and my system’s a little off.

mr. sexy boyfriend guy brought me up to cape cod to his family summer home for my b-day and thanksgiving. we took the train all the way up. (i never thought a cute boy would make me get over my fear of trains so easily!)

we relaxed in the hot tub, we slept, we did homework, we drank like fishes. his mum brought us out to this super popular little frenchie restaurant for my birthday. we all had lovely food and enjoyed the scene and the company. most definitely the best birthday ever! thanksgiving was just four of us and the sweetie pie dogs with warm sun on the patio, a view, and fresh apple wine. it was heaven.

since being back, i’ve been pretty damn relaxed about everything. life’s been good and i’ve been able to stop and smell the roses. matt and i have become a whole lot closer and grow more fond of each other every day. i finally got greg to sign the receipt stating i served him the papers without him having a mass freak out. my bff and i have been making efforts to at least chat once a week to keep up.

the only thing that’s been in my way and stressing me out has been work. the work load, the lack of help, the non existent breaks, the overly long shifts, my staff being much less than pleasant EVERYDAY. I’ve been so tired and run down lately i’ve been scared of getting sick again. i said i would try to make it through the new year at least before i left. but after miscommunication 5 ba-jillion the other day and the attitude of it’s my fault because i should be able to fucking read minds, i said enough is enough. time to focus on school, my health, and living. i promised myself i would.

i have a ton of ideas floating around for another part time job….i think 2 part time jobs is easier worked around school than a full and part time. hopefully something pans out. wish me luck.

a bunch of coconuts

what a week!

so i’ve been a bit under the weather for a few weeks now…sadly i’ve been a bit burned out from work and not sleeping. and as is tradition, i was sick on halloween- my favorite holiday.

long story short- i end up in the hospital because they think i have meningitis. curable, but not nice. look it up. spinal taps and tons of tests later, and they still don’t know what’s wrong other than an infection. unfortunately, spinal taps cause weird headaches as a side effect…so i went in with headaches and left with them. PLUS i am now so sensitive to motion and cold that i vomit from too much exposure to either for too long.

in the whole mess of being in the hospital, my boss is bugging me every five minutes via text for answers on what i have, how long i’ll be there, etc. (i don’t know if you’ve ever been in a hospital, but they don’t tell you that stuff until they’re about to let you go.) SO he decides to have me put on medical leave. i have my doc fax over a release for me, but never get a confirmation from work saying i’m aloud to come back or even letting me know if they got the papers.

almost the whole weekend i spent in bed arduously trying to get caught up on school work. actually most of my time out of bed had been painful or involved me vomiting.

yesterday matt bought a truck that decided it didn’t want to run as soon as we got it across town…forcing me to eventually be in the sick place from the mess of everything. then we come home to CO2 alarms going off in the basement. So matt and i run out of town to stay at a friend’s place so we’re not sleeping with CO2 fumes.

so work calls me first thing this morning wondering why i haven’t shown up for work. and i’m like….um….yeah…..today just isn’t gonna happen.

i’ve finally come to realize that i’ve been letting my job kill me. literally. and i’ve had some really cool people remind me that i have alot of things that i’ve been missing out on and life i haven’t been living. all for a really crappy paycheck, for benefits, sick time and holiday pay.

screw this. it’s time to pick up another part time job and focus on my health and school. i wanna graduate with high honors and go as far as i can. i wanna make a comfortable enough living for myself that allows me to travel and have a somewhat nice car and to take my sexy boyfriend out for fancy dinners in the city once in a while. i don’t want him to have to see me in the hospital again or have to hold my hands while i’m getting another spinal tap.