over the past few weeks, matt and i have made a serious effort to reconnect, re-bond…to work on things. we were doing so well. i was indescribably happy to have him around….at least to be able to talk to him on the phone.

he told me he wanted me back. that he felt wrong and selfish to ask it because of everything. i told him i didn’t care. he told me i never told him i loved him enough. so after a wonderful few dates over the weekend and hours upon hours of wonderful conversations, i told him i loved him with all may heart- that i didn’t want him to leave me again. that i would fight tooth and nail to have him with me always.

and he freaked out and told me he wanted to be alone.

we’ve since talked and smoothed things over. i said what i had to. i admitted that i wished him well and that i couldn’t stay mad at him. he apologized for being a mess and not knowing what he wants and for not being able to handle emotions right now because his life is “falling apart in front of his eyes”.

i won’t lie: if he said boo, i’d still come running. but i can honestly say that i feel absolutely crushed by all of it. i feel like a mess. i don’t feel like myself. i don’t think i’ve ever been this hurt and sad all at once ever. and it seems the more i try to distract myself and get my mind off of it, the more i can’t concentrate on anything. i tried making new friends and it just makes me feel more sad and hollow. every time i start to to homework or read i fall asleep or get mind bending headaches. or at least the headaches get worse. because they haven’t really stopped in a week.

i don’t really care anymore about any of it. i have about 2 more weeks of class. i’ve been trying to do homework all week and can’t. a big part of me doesn’t even care if i fuck up. i’m losing even my motivation, cause it seems everything i touch and rely on goes to shit. i got a heater yesterday to try to get rid of the headaches, and now the electric doesn’t even work in half my room. and the heater has stopped working. i flicked every circuit in the house, but nothing works in my room.

oh and my boss is still conveniently forgetting to pay me on time. it’s been going on like this for 2 months now. when he was behind in paying me for an entire month i didn’t go to work. and he fucking flipped on me and only payed half what he owes me. apparently it’s my job to harass him to pay me my wages. so now i have to find another job on top of it all. having no motivation and a car that falls apart around me.

i need a vacation. and a long night of cuddling. and a fucking drink.