since the start of summer, I’ve had more and more going on every day than I have ever had going on at one point in time ever. new pen pal, new boyfriend, partying/chilling on the shore and in the city, stolen lap top, persistent car problems, riding on trains (omg), the mess of divorce, transfers, the cops, extra job, money issues, school, bad luck, bills….I could go on and on.

in the mass of getting as much done as possible all the time, i realize i’ve forgotten to carve out time for myself. whether it’s time to read a book, seek out or listen to new music, paint. whatever. i have a book on the table that i’ve had for over 2 months now and barely touched. i’ve been meaning to pick up acrillyc ink all summer so i can paint.the more i think of it, i hope i get the high pay very part time job i applied for. i just do not have enough hours in the day. i’ve spent next to no time just having fun….summer started that way, but since my laptop got stolen i think i’ve let life get to heavy. yea. it sucks. i had to spend a whole buncha extra money to replace that computer, and this one runs like crap compared to the other. BUT i wasn’t robbed worse and i didn’t get hurt. it seems since it happened i’ve had a string of bad luck in general, and sometimes it feels like the world wants to crash in on me.

but i’ve let it put me in a bad funk.

the very same funk that i ran from screaming. i said- this is not what i want for me or my life, and you put me here. i’ve let him get in my head a few times too. i’ve let too many people get in my head. and instead of responding to everything from my anchored center and then returning to that center, i’ve allowed matt to become my anchor.

YES it’s fantastic to be able to rely on someone and have a “rock” to stand with. but it seems i’ve let matt become my filter. i let things build up and get to me until i can filter through him and vent and get his feedback and feel better about it. that’s alot to put on his shoulders and it’s starting to get to him. i don’t think he’d ever say it…but i think that’s what’s happening. we had a silly mix up last night, and both of us ended up ticked/upset about it. HOW SILLY. i don’t wanna bicker over stupid stuff. we have alot of living to do and things to see to ever let little things get in the way. i think last night happened because i’ve been putting too much on him, and his response was ‘fuck it.’

i think we spend alot of time catering to one or two of the other’s needs instead of just being there all over. i think matt wanted a bigger presence in my life and thought one avenue was what he wanted. i gave it, but i think it was too much on one spot. people don’t always know what they want. he used be so put off sometimes because i’m so very independent… but with school and all of life going on, i’ve needed alot more from him. i’ve actually needed him there. i think he loves to help and genuinely wants to, but no one wants to HAVE to help. even i don’t.

i’m taking today off from job 2 to have me time and to work on my research paper. i haven’t had alot of me time except the days i took off for being disgustingly ill or last week when i sprained my neck. i need to make sure to take more me time and have fun…for the benefit of everyone around me, i need to make sure i’m taking more me time.

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