i finally realized why i rarely ever take pictures of people. and even rarer-with people. i am always afraid that person is going to go away.

mementos of good things passed are like porcupine needles. they sting and they are hard to get rid of.

i’ve noticed that the things that mean most to me are the hardest to find evidence of in my life. i hide them from the world. i covet them privately.i know now that part of this is part of how i grew up. alot of this may be self imposed. i don’t profess to know. i hid things i loved so no one could take them away. the older i’ve gotten, i’ve done the same with people. so many friends i’ve had over the years have kinda just up and disappeared on me without explanation. it hurt. reminders of them made it hurt more.

this is what i need to work on. i need to wear my heart on my sleeve more. i should be proud of the things and people i love. what is the point of hiding my heart, my mind? it diminishes the existence of these things in my life and it diminishes me.

i need to be me and be proud. i need to love who and what i love and be proud of it. matt was right in the beginning to urge me to link him on facebook. such a silly thing really, but it says ‘hey. we’re serious and not afraid to say it to everyone.’

i got a lot of stuff to work on. i gotta build a plan on this and live it. and if he leaves, he leaves. i won’t let my world end on it. i can’t. not now.

but i need to stop being so afraid of loving him and being afraid of admitting it. for him, for me, for us. he can’t make me confident in this; he can’t make me be open. only i can.

and i hope he’ll stand beside me when i do.

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