since the start of summer, I’ve had more and more going on every day than I have ever had going on at one point in time ever. new pen pal, new boyfriend, partying/chilling on the shore and in the city, stolen lap top, persistent car problems, riding on trains (omg), the mess of divorce, transfers, the cops, extra job, money issues, school, bad luck, bills….I could go on and on.

in the mass of getting as much done as possible all the time, i realize i’ve forgotten to carve out time for myself. whether it’s time to read a book, seek out or listen to new music, paint. whatever. i have a book on the table that i’ve had for over 2 months now and barely touched. i’ve been meaning to pick up acrillyc ink all summer so i can paint.the more i think of it, i hope i get the high pay very part time job i applied for. i just do not have enough hours in the day. i’ve spent next to no time just having fun….summer started that way, but since my laptop got stolen i think i’ve let life get to heavy. yea. it sucks. i had to spend a whole buncha extra money to replace that computer, and this one runs like crap compared to the other. BUT i wasn’t robbed worse and i didn’t get hurt. it seems since it happened i’ve had a string of bad luck in general, and sometimes it feels like the world wants to crash in on me.

but i’ve let it put me in a bad funk.

the very same funk that i ran from screaming. i said- this is not what i want for me or my life, and you put me here. i’ve let him get in my head a few times too. i’ve let too many people get in my head. and instead of responding to everything from my anchored center and then returning to that center, i’ve allowed matt to become my anchor.

YES it’s fantastic to be able to rely on someone and have a “rock” to stand with. but it seems i’ve let matt become my filter. i let things build up and get to me until i can filter through him and vent and get his feedback and feel better about it. that’s alot to put on his shoulders and it’s starting to get to him. i don’t think he’d ever say it…but i think that’s what’s happening. we had a silly mix up last night, and both of us ended up ticked/upset about it. HOW SILLY. i don’t wanna bicker over stupid stuff. we have alot of living to do and things to see to ever let little things get in the way. i think last night happened because i’ve been putting too much on him, and his response was ‘fuck it.’

i think we spend alot of time catering to one or two of the other’s needs instead of just being there all over. i think matt wanted a bigger presence in my life and thought one avenue was what he wanted. i gave it, but i think it was too much on one spot. people don’t always know what they want. he used be so put off sometimes because i’m so very independent… but with school and all of life going on, i’ve needed alot more from him. i’ve actually needed him there. i think he loves to help and genuinely wants to, but no one wants to HAVE to help. even i don’t.

i’m taking today off from job 2 to have me time and to work on my research paper. i haven’t had alot of me time except the days i took off for being disgustingly ill or last week when i sprained my neck. i need to make sure to take more me time and have fun…for the benefit of everyone around me, i need to make sure i’m taking more me time.


integration = happy

finally re-integrated this old wordpress with my firefox.

hopefully blogging  on the spot will be easier!

an addiction?

SO. for those of you that don’t know- i am FINALLY going back to school. i’m going for my bachelor’s in software architecture and networking technology- double major, oh my!

today i spent alot of time on the campus website soaking in as much info as possible about the school before orientation and class starts next week. i started digging into the tutorials section, which is mostly “this is how you use the site.” “this is how you email.” when i found a section on tips for writing. in one section they suggest ‘creating an addiction to writing’ and writing daily to overcome potential hurdles when there is a need to write an extensive paper. and i realized…this summer, i really have gotten out of the habit of writing… i haven’t blogged much and even twitter and facebook posting (or micro blogging as i like to call it) have very much fallen by the wayside. hell, i have been attempting my pen pal letter since june and it just hasn’t happened, even though the last two letters went quickly and smoothly. (by the way- if you’re reading this my friend- i have not forgotten, but life’s been pretty damn crazy….it’s in progress and will be on it’s way soon!)

i realize that a big part of my life is breaking things down and organizing them. it is sad but true. and part of the reason i should be writing every day is that i need to break my thoughts down and organize them, and mark momentous occasions with a blog or tweet again. there have been so many crazy, wonderful, and terrible things that have happened this summer which kind of overwhelmed me to the point where i forgot to take that little bit of time to myself everyday for my mental health… but i wouldn’t take back a single moment!

now i leave this entry with promise of many more (and maybe a short retelling here and there of my summer adventuring and mayhem) as it is just about time for me to pass out- matt and i are getting up early to catch one last ‘summer’ day at the beach.